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oritsu_luvA few nights ago, I was listening to and doing some [more] thinking about Ayu. I was thinking about her going deaf in one ear, and the love I felt in the fan message song 'My All' from her latest album that talks about wanting to give us dreams that never end, and feelimg all of our love for her. And about my fav part of her 2001 concert, where the audience starts singing ' a song for xx' and how Ayu listens with dawning realization, and she starts to cry, and when they are finished singing,she she says that when she wrote that song, she didn't have anywhere to belong, and how music and her fans have given her that place.
A month ago I came across Ayu's blogs on the subject of her ear, and they were really moving, so I thought I'd post them, along with a blog by Mika Noguchi, president of Peach John lingerie (basically like the Japanese Victoria's Secret) and a good friend of Ayu's.
Jan 4th, 2008
Let me tell you all my resolution for this year. The thing is, last year I went to the doctor about my ear. I'm completely deaf in my deaf ear, and they say there's no treatment.
But I still want to be a singer. So I'm going to keep singing as long as my right ear will let me. I'm not going to give up, and I won't make excuses.
I'm a professional, and I'll give you all the best songs I can.
I don't really like the phrase 'do your best', but...
I'll do my best!!! I will!!
Until that day comes...
Jan 5th, 2008
I got so many responses from you guys, I had to post again.
Um...you know...you see...
I have always tried to tell you all how I really feel, in my own words. I think you all know that.
Yeah... I believe you do.
And...that's why I'm writing this - writing about the things I've kept inside, the things I couldn't even tell my staff members or my family.
No...to be frank, that's not right. I told one person. I told Mama (that's what I call Mika) that I was starting to go deaf in my left ear.
I decided to go to the doctor's because I could tell that something was definately wrong with my ear. Even though I pretended it was due to the headphones I was using, and told people I just needed new ones.
When the doctor told me that it was too late, that there was no way to fix it, my mind went completely blank.
In my heart, I'd thought I might need surgery, but with time I'd be able to get back my hearing.
But I was wrong.
I'll never forget the doctor's face. How sorry he seemed.
So I laughed. I don't know. I laughed. I said, 'Of course, right!' And then I laughed. Surrounded by my beloved staff, in the dead silence of that doctor's office.
But please, I don't want you to think negatively about this whole thing.
I've accepted the reality of the situation. And I want you all to know that I'm not depressed, that I have hope.
After all, you said that you'd be my left ear. You said that you'd scream it out for me so I could hear it properly.
Didn't you?
So I'm going to work with my right ear. I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm doing what makes me happy.
Don't worry!!!!
I'm going to keep on going!! Let's go together!!!!
I want to give you dreams.
Dreams that never end, never fade
I want you to have those dreams.
That's what I wish for.
Thank you so much, everyone!
Thank you, Mama. You're my big sister and I'll always love you.
Here we go, the 10th year!!!!
Jan 8th, 2008
[posted after the media broke the story following a leak of her blog]
Maybe you should all just give me your e-mail addresses, so we can really talk in private.
But how many would that be!? (LOL)
But seriously, today I really wish I could see you all in person, and look into your eyes as we spoke.
Freedom of the Press...
I understand it even when I don't like it. So I'm not going to deny or criticize anything.
I can't really explain it well. So I think I'll sing, rather than trying to talk about it. That's what I've always done, and what I'll keep on doing.
I'm going to keep going. No matter how unreasonable a place I end up in. I have to accept the fact that I can only be who I am.
Talkin' about Ayu
I thought that if I wanted to write about this, today's the day to do it.
A few years ago, there was a period where I really wanted to quit the company, to resign from the position of President. I even went so far as to tell some of the office that I was quitting soon.
It was fun to dream about doing something, but when I though of the staff members who had worked so hard with me, I worried about whether I could really just quit and abandon them all. I spent all my time worrying about what I should do.
I'd never wanted to be president in the first place, I'd just worked really hard and somehow ended up there. So I'd always had mized feelings about it.
"This isn't what I wanted to do!" I fought against it, blamed everything on everyone else. I guess it was a way of trying to find myself.
Everyone has a talent.
But you can't chose your talent. People recognize it in you. You win admiration, and use it for others, and end up making a profit from it.
Ever since I realized that, I've know what makes my own talent unique.
Since I was younger, I thought my talent lay in creativity, and that's the direction I wanted to go in.
But I ended up going in a different one.
Nowadays, everyone praises (and criticizes) me as a manager. That's how I make money (although not everything I do makes money), that's what people expect of me (I have to think that)
In other words, I guess that's my talent. Now I try to be mindful of that, and walk this path right. As long as there are people who need me.
Recently I was talking to someone at work about a colleague.
"He's amazing. He works even though made so much money at his last job that he never has to work again."
"Neither do you, Ma'am."
"....."
That's right. I hadn't realized that. I could quit my job, I could stop working, and I could still survive.
I haven't thought about what life would be if I didn't work. Not for years.
I haven't thought about quitting my job since I met Ayumi Hamasaki.
Ayu and I met not long after I'd decided to quit.
She was just at the peak of her popularity.
Something bad happened, and even though we'd just met, she came running to me.
She stayed at my house for a while, and we just spent time together, getting closer. Before long, staff members tracked her down,and they went in and out of my house, looking for her go ahead on costumes, sound, video and all sorts of things.
I watched as she gave detailed instructions about every facet of her job. She oversaw even the smallest behind the scenes operations, even down to the wording of those ubiquitous vague documents, with sharp insight that allowed no room for BS, and with imagination. Her workload was staggering, without regard for time of day, and I saw how much effort she put into being the perfect artist.
I was bowled over by her passion, her unwavering honesty, her artistic sensitivity, and her real adorableness.
And more than anything, I fell in love with the way she worked. It was genius.
If I'm living with her, I need to work as hard as she does.
No. I'm so much older than she is, I have to be the person she looks up to. I have to work harder than she does. The only person who could really give her advice would be someone like Madonna, or Yumin, or Seiko Matsuda.
Once I started thinking like that, I worked really hard, and thanks to that, I'm still here, doing the best I can, in my own world.
Of course she isn't the only one who spurred me on. There are so many people who help me and who I couldn't get aling without.
But she's special. I'm so glad I met her. If we hadn't met, there's a chance that neither of us would be where we are now. That's how much strength we give each other. I'm really blessed to know her.
When your job involves expressing yourself, and being in the public eye, the joy it brings is more than an ordinary job. But also brings more pain.
I think it's knowing all sorts of pain that allows her to fufill her roll of expressing the joys and sorrows her listeners feel.
As long as people need her, that will be her talent. I hope she uses it to its fullest.
Ayu, you try so hard to live up to people's expectations, and I have so much respect for you. Do your best! You are Asia's diva!
I decided to write this entry because of yesterday's news.
It freaked me out that the news Ayu had meant to share only with her fans was broadcast by the media. But she knows being depressed won't get her anywhere, so she's going to do training, and she won't let this beat her!
There's no reason for me to explain any of this, but what can I say? I'm nosy!
A month ago I came across Ayu's blogs on the subject of her ear, and they were really moving, so I thought I'd post them, along with a blog by Mika Noguchi, president of Peach John lingerie (basically like the Japanese Victoria's Secret) and a good friend of Ayu's.
Jan 4th, 2008
Let me tell you all my resolution for this year. The thing is, last year I went to the doctor about my ear. I'm completely deaf in my deaf ear, and they say there's no treatment.
But I still want to be a singer. So I'm going to keep singing as long as my right ear will let me. I'm not going to give up, and I won't make excuses.
I'm a professional, and I'll give you all the best songs I can.
I don't really like the phrase 'do your best', but...
I'll do my best!!! I will!!
Until that day comes...
Jan 5th, 2008
I got so many responses from you guys, I had to post again.
Um...you know...you see...
I have always tried to tell you all how I really feel, in my own words. I think you all know that.
Yeah... I believe you do.
And...that's why I'm writing this - writing about the things I've kept inside, the things I couldn't even tell my staff members or my family.
No...to be frank, that's not right. I told one person. I told Mama (that's what I call Mika) that I was starting to go deaf in my left ear.
I decided to go to the doctor's because I could tell that something was definately wrong with my ear. Even though I pretended it was due to the headphones I was using, and told people I just needed new ones.
When the doctor told me that it was too late, that there was no way to fix it, my mind went completely blank.
In my heart, I'd thought I might need surgery, but with time I'd be able to get back my hearing.
But I was wrong.
I'll never forget the doctor's face. How sorry he seemed.
So I laughed. I don't know. I laughed. I said, 'Of course, right!' And then I laughed. Surrounded by my beloved staff, in the dead silence of that doctor's office.
But please, I don't want you to think negatively about this whole thing.
I've accepted the reality of the situation. And I want you all to know that I'm not depressed, that I have hope.
After all, you said that you'd be my left ear. You said that you'd scream it out for me so I could hear it properly.
Didn't you?
So I'm going to work with my right ear. I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm doing what makes me happy.
Don't worry!!!!
I'm going to keep on going!! Let's go together!!!!
I want to give you dreams.
Dreams that never end, never fade
I want you to have those dreams.
That's what I wish for.
Thank you so much, everyone!
Thank you, Mama. You're my big sister and I'll always love you.
Here we go, the 10th year!!!!
Jan 8th, 2008
[posted after the media broke the story following a leak of her blog]
Maybe you should all just give me your e-mail addresses, so we can really talk in private.
But how many would that be!? (LOL)
But seriously, today I really wish I could see you all in person, and look into your eyes as we spoke.
Freedom of the Press...
I understand it even when I don't like it. So I'm not going to deny or criticize anything.
I can't really explain it well. So I think I'll sing, rather than trying to talk about it. That's what I've always done, and what I'll keep on doing.
I'm going to keep going. No matter how unreasonable a place I end up in. I have to accept the fact that I can only be who I am.
Talkin' about Ayu
I thought that if I wanted to write about this, today's the day to do it.
A few years ago, there was a period where I really wanted to quit the company, to resign from the position of President. I even went so far as to tell some of the office that I was quitting soon.
It was fun to dream about doing something, but when I though of the staff members who had worked so hard with me, I worried about whether I could really just quit and abandon them all. I spent all my time worrying about what I should do.
I'd never wanted to be president in the first place, I'd just worked really hard and somehow ended up there. So I'd always had mized feelings about it.
"This isn't what I wanted to do!" I fought against it, blamed everything on everyone else. I guess it was a way of trying to find myself.
Everyone has a talent.
But you can't chose your talent. People recognize it in you. You win admiration, and use it for others, and end up making a profit from it.
Ever since I realized that, I've know what makes my own talent unique.
Since I was younger, I thought my talent lay in creativity, and that's the direction I wanted to go in.
But I ended up going in a different one.
Nowadays, everyone praises (and criticizes) me as a manager. That's how I make money (although not everything I do makes money), that's what people expect of me (I have to think that)
In other words, I guess that's my talent. Now I try to be mindful of that, and walk this path right. As long as there are people who need me.
Recently I was talking to someone at work about a colleague.
"He's amazing. He works even though made so much money at his last job that he never has to work again."
"Neither do you, Ma'am."
"....."
That's right. I hadn't realized that. I could quit my job, I could stop working, and I could still survive.
I haven't thought about what life would be if I didn't work. Not for years.
I haven't thought about quitting my job since I met Ayumi Hamasaki.
Ayu and I met not long after I'd decided to quit.
She was just at the peak of her popularity.
Something bad happened, and even though we'd just met, she came running to me.
She stayed at my house for a while, and we just spent time together, getting closer. Before long, staff members tracked her down,and they went in and out of my house, looking for her go ahead on costumes, sound, video and all sorts of things.
I watched as she gave detailed instructions about every facet of her job. She oversaw even the smallest behind the scenes operations, even down to the wording of those ubiquitous vague documents, with sharp insight that allowed no room for BS, and with imagination. Her workload was staggering, without regard for time of day, and I saw how much effort she put into being the perfect artist.
I was bowled over by her passion, her unwavering honesty, her artistic sensitivity, and her real adorableness.
And more than anything, I fell in love with the way she worked. It was genius.
If I'm living with her, I need to work as hard as she does.
No. I'm so much older than she is, I have to be the person she looks up to. I have to work harder than she does. The only person who could really give her advice would be someone like Madonna, or Yumin, or Seiko Matsuda.
Once I started thinking like that, I worked really hard, and thanks to that, I'm still here, doing the best I can, in my own world.
Of course she isn't the only one who spurred me on. There are so many people who help me and who I couldn't get aling without.
But she's special. I'm so glad I met her. If we hadn't met, there's a chance that neither of us would be where we are now. That's how much strength we give each other. I'm really blessed to know her.
When your job involves expressing yourself, and being in the public eye, the joy it brings is more than an ordinary job. But also brings more pain.
I think it's knowing all sorts of pain that allows her to fufill her roll of expressing the joys and sorrows her listeners feel.
As long as people need her, that will be her talent. I hope she uses it to its fullest.
Ayu, you try so hard to live up to people's expectations, and I have so much respect for you. Do your best! You are Asia's diva!
I decided to write this entry because of yesterday's news.
It freaked me out that the news Ayu had meant to share only with her fans was broadcast by the media. But she knows being depressed won't get her anywhere, so she's going to do training, and she won't let this beat her!
There's no reason for me to explain any of this, but what can I say? I'm nosy!
