oritsu_luv | 人生は七転八起*

This morning I was feeling kind of down. I woke up from one of those dreams where your teeth are falling out. (I had to press my tongue against my teeth just to make sure they were still there when I woke up.) Those dreams very specifically mean that you feel out of control, or like you're losing control. It wasn't very hard to pinpoint what brought the dream on: over the weekend I tried to use my credit card, and it was declined. So I called about it last night, and apparently they canceled my card due to frequent 'delinquency'. I checked everything online, and yep, I paid everything off, but was consistently late in doing so. I really hope I haven't fucked over my credit entirely. It was kind of scary - not really in a 'it made me realize how unaware of everything I am' way because I know that, it' s just how I am, although it did make me realize that while a laissez faire attitude is a good thing to have, it's not a good thing to have where money is involved. But it was scary in a, 'you can fuck up your credit and get into debt (I'm not, but still) and get yourself into holes like that that you can spend your whole life getting out of. I just made me realize how easy it is to fuck up your life, and to make it into something entirely different.

I was also feeling a little down because I hadn't heard from a friend in a while, and I just got an e-mail saying she was diagnosed with depression this spring and that she quit her job and has been getting treatment three times a week. It was a pretty positive e-mail, she says she's feeling well enough to start thinking about a part time job, and she said some really lovely things about how she's trying to figure out her own life and her own dreams, and she thinks about me a lot and how I always follow my dreams and go my own way no matter what other people said, and that she wants to try to be like me, and be more proactive about things.

On one hand, my first reaction was - but I'm not really like that! I don't even know if I'm following my dreams! I'm not proactive! I am so swayed by other people! - but then I realized that one, the me she knows best, the me in Japan, was like that. I did things in Japan I would never do here, and I did them along, without hesitating. I think it was a combination of being in a different country, knowing I only had limited time, and being younger. I used to believe that you can get anything you want, as long as you try hard enough, and I used to do everything I could to get what I wanted.

But you know what? I think I do still believe that. I don't have that old groundless self-confidence anymore - if anything I'm less sure of myself, less confident than I used to be - but do I still believe that if you want something, and you try and try and do everything you can, you usually get it? Yes, I think I do.

(By the way, trying and trying and doing every single thing and still not getting it? Is the thing I hate most in the world, because it makes me feel so helpless.)

And the second thing I thought was...you know what? Whether I'm really like that or not, it doesn't really matter, because she thinks I am, and it's helping her. And especially since I'm so far away, I can't just go over for lunch with her the way I wish I could, or be there to talk to her, I'm really glad that I can still help her in some way. That's what friend are for, after all.

I was talking to Cathie about it last night, and she reminded me of a friend of hers who got sick, and how Cathie had sent her a card with some flowers on it, saying, 'If we lived closer, I'd bring you flowers every time I came to visit'. And then she kept sending cards, with flowers on them, every two weeks or so. Her friend put them all up on the bedroom wall. She got better, and Cathie says that from time to time, she will still say 'You know, Cathie, those cards helped me so much, I can't even tell you.'

We really can be there for each other like that, even in small ways. I think that's so important to remember, especially now that most of my friends are a very long plane ride away.

* Life is Shichitenhakki. Shichitenhakki means 'fall down 7 times, get up 8 times.' It means that even if you fail, you have to keep trying and keep going, and eventually you'll succeed.